Romantic Love

Love was confusing to me as a child. I had no concept of it, and subsequently no idea how to define it. I now define it as a genuine desire for another's happiness. But in American culture the idea of love is bombarded with many extraeneous assumptions. We hold 'romantic love' above all others, and as a result have lost sight of the concept of a genuine interpersonal love based on mutual respect for each other's existence and all the rights that come with it. Many relationships compose themselves within set parameters that often have very little to do with whether or not the two people actually love each other. There is a standard of monogamy, marriage, financial support. These kinds of relationships are based on the concept of a beneficiary. As long as they are getting something out of the relationship, they are satisfied, but once that relationship requires more effort than the pleasure it doles out, becomes one-sided or challenging, as all long term relationships do from time to time, then the relationship is over. From this perspective, love is not a grand notion of self-sacrifice or compassion overcoming adversity, it is simple self-serving - no different from any other behaviour an animal exhibits. We pursue that which benefits us, and eschew that which harms us. It is a lifestyle dependent upon the outside world, and to that extent it will always be unremarkable - another wave on the tide of life. It is those lives that strive against circumstances, that see the way things are and determine that they can be better that are truly magnificent.
When Rachel left me I was confused as to why. I had very little familiarity with this concept of love as being something executed only for self benefit. For me love has always been about giving of your own abundance. Its about what you can give not what you can receive. Love holds high connotations of superhuman compassion, an ability to love others to an extent that it overcomes great obstacles, love that cannot be conquered. In her mind there were many reasons to leave, but in my mind there was no reason so great that it would cause me to stop loving her. It seems obvious, and maybe I was seeing things purely from my own perspective, but my idea of love and my faith in its power is not a very common idea. From my research and talks with others, I've found that its actually quite a rare concept, and many people find it almost ridiculously noble. All this time it had been an integral part of my living reality, who knew? Knowing this I feel that I have another purpose in life, to tell others about the power of love, how it can overcome all difficulties, how it can forgive all wrongs, and the healing it can bring to the most troubled soul.
Since I was young I have had more compassion than anger or hate, and I'm not one to think that we are born either good or bad, but as far as I can remember I have always cared more than I had feared. Fear is another thing I haven't had much of in my life, and maybe that leads to my abundance of compassion. The belief in separation which fear springs from is responsible in some way for most of the pain we feel throughout our existence. Conversely, the belief in unity from which all love flows can bring us back into touch with the underlying energy of all things and brings us into harmony with our divine state. Separation is a wide spread belief, which causes us all deep existential conflicts regarding our role in the all of things.
It was easy for me to assume that Rachel didn't love me, and she didn't - not in the way that I loved her. She just has a more limited definition of love, with many barriers that she imposes upon it which limit her experience of that unifying love that brings ultimate happiness. We all suffer from limiting beliefs, if we didn't, we'd all be making huge changes in our world. The greatest limit to human potential comes from within ourselves. I would like to show her that she can believe in love, and give herself over to it completely without fear of harm. But we all know what its like to be tentative, to be afraid to be hurt, to avoid pain even though it may be good for us.
There is an idea in American culture that suffering or hurt is something to be avoided. This is another popular concept that I have not quite accepted, and am suprised to learn of its prevalency. It may explain how much failure and misery is present in American society. We do seem to be a culture of pessimists. When you see suffering as something to be avoided, then you in essence are in denial of the very nature of human existence. You despise life. Its a fairly powerful revelation when you think about it. Even our dreams of retirement, the great escape, drugs, video games, relationships, its all about bringing in enough pleasure in your life to make it worthwhile. What if we began to cultivate an appreciation for suffering? We all know people we admire. We see their accomplishments, and when we see them overcome great adversity in triumph we are moved deeply, but what would that triumph be without the adversity? When we see someone who plays an instrument beautifully, we only see the end result. We don't see how it was when they first picked it up. How horrible it sounded, or the countless hours of practicing. All great people have persevered through innumerable difficulties in order to achieve their great deeds. Given this fact of achievement and progress, it would seem more reasonable to cultivate an appreciation for the suffering that comes with all good things. If we were to gain an appreciation for the process that led to the fancy car and the nice house, then we might actually acquire those things. But because we only appreciate the outcome, and shun the process, the outcome will never be ours. In the same way a great relationship requires steadfast commitement, day to day, and perseverence through the harsh times, the times when hope seems dim, and having faith in the knowledge that on the other side of this adversity the two will come out stronger, closer, and more confident in their commitment to each other. So many people do not achieve their dreams because they are outcome oriented. They expect the rewards without doing what is required to receive them.
Now that I am aware of this concept of love 'as long as it benefits me', I see it time and time again in popular romance, on television, in novels, our culture is inundated with this perception of romance as something that persists only as long as it meets expectations, not something that persists beyond expectation. As soon as one party doesn't get what they want, the relationship is over. This runs contrary to an idea of love that exists solely for its own merit, not on the benefit received. According to a genuine love between two beings, you don't give love, you don't receive it, you embody it. Love becomes a part of your being and nothing else can affect that. This is how the martyrs can forgive their tormentors, how Ghandi could forgive the British, or the Dalai Lama forgive the Chinese. Their idea of love is more about who they are than a reaction to external stimuli. This is the idea of love that I hold. I love Rachel regardless of the way she treats me, or what comes between us, because that is the person that I choose to be. I choose to be one possessed of compassion, forgiveness, benevolence, and love because those are our natural states of being. It is the mindsets of distance, judgement, bitterness, anger, and fear that are essentially corrosive to our being, and those who adopt them will feel their pain. That is what I want to give to her, a faith in herself and a knowledge that she doesn't have to suffer under the belief that she must protect herself from hurt, or avoid difficulty. But as long as she subscribes to those harmful mindsets, she will always wear the mask of pain. It is that measure of happiness that I can give her.
I did assume much about her thinking, but then again probably so did she. Many of us trust our minds and regard the voice in our heads as absolute. Our minds are like our bodies, only as productive as their fitness. Through observation and discipline we can understand the subtle processes of our mind that operate beyond our knowledge and control. By understanding and gaining power over our mind, body, and other aspects of our existence, we can begin to gain mastery over our life as well.
The great tragedy is when we loose faith in ourselves. When we stop striving for something more and just give up. It happens to all of those who reach for something greater. I've been there, and I want to be there for those who are in that position. It is sad when I see the look of despair on her face, a complete and utter lack of confidence in her ability to take control of her relationships for the better. I don't know how to give her that faith in herself. I suppose I could look to the things that give me the confidence I have to struggle through difficulties and use them to my advantage. But I have been through greater difficulties than most, and through those difficulties I have learned the value of overcoming obstacles as being critical to the process of becoming a better person. Suffering, difficulty, harsh times are only as good as you make them. These trials can either embitter us, or increase our capacity for love and acceptance. They really are what you make of them, and some people come out for the better, some come out for the worse. Unfortunately, I don't think Rachel has learned much from the numerous difficulties of her life, including our relationship, and that is because with each suffering, she withdraws more and more, avoiding the pain that could lead her to such great personal transformation if only she would embrace it with confidence in her own ability to overcome. In order for her to take something on though, she needs to believe that she can. Naturally the most immediate thing that I can help her with is our relationship. I could be there as a support for her to hold her through the times where she doubts herself, where she is unsure, when she is afraid, but in order for me to be something she can depend on, she has to depend on me. I cannot provide her with a sense of self, but maybe I can support her in the tentative first steps that are so frightening when we embark on the quest of self-realization. I can help provide her with the initial security she needs to reflect and question herself, for inquiry is essential to the process of discovery, but with the goal of enhancing her own self image so that she is stronger in the future. Without a solid sense of self-esteem, almost anything in life can seem impossible. If she were to add high self esteem to my existing support of her, she would be all the stronger for it, and able to face the turbulence of life with confidence and faith.
These are lessons we can all stand to learn. Who we are and where we are is more a product of our own beliefs in ourselves than of the factors in our environment, although we are very fond of blaming outside sources for our problems. You made me feel this way, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, Its all his fault, etc etc. But great people persist and strive in the face of all of the odds that keep most people in lives that they settle for. It is those few who do not blame, who look to themselves for the answers to their problems, who really achieve great things. When they see the poor on the streets, they do not lament their position, or say the poor are responsible for their own selves, they do what they can to change that reality in a way that suits them. They see the way things are, and not only survive in adverse circumstances, but thrive in the midst of great difficulty due to the abundance of their character.
Occassionally when I see the absence of compassion in others, the manifestations of their fear, I feel the automatic rise of anger. When others project a certain emotional mindset, we are more or less inclined to go with it, according to the power of our will. The greater frame overcomes the lesser one. If someone of a stronger will maintains a compassionate mindset it will overcome someone of a lesser will with a hateful mindset, and vice versa. Since our minds are in our own keeping it is for us to improve the discipline and strength of our will through concious, consistent training. I find this anger is not only a result of my response to others, but also my expectations of them. One time Rachel said that I was acting the way I was for attention. I was taken aback, this was a response that I had considered beneath her, but then again I had projected my ideals of compassion and love to her, which she simply did not share, and are not common in our society. I have to learn to observe my external reality for what it is, and not project lofty illusions of love onto someone who really has very limited understanding of what compassion is. In realizing how things are, I can see where I can act, and the changes that can be made. However if I illusion myself and see things as better than they actually are, then I overlook critical deficits that need to be addressed. A problem ignored quickly grows out of control. If I'm going to be real about her, I'm going to have to stop projecting my expectations onto her, and make concrete observations so that I can more accurately assess the obstacles before us. Without a genuine sense of love and compassion, all relationships are due to an inevitable failure as the situations of life change. The strength of our relationships directly correlates to our capacity for love. Someone who is unwilling to forgive will find their relationships limited to that extent. As far as they are willing to forgive, to love in the face of fear, or discomfort, is as far as their relationships will go. In this way, we limit our own capacity to love and be loved in return. We limit the joy of our existence through our beleifs in self-preservation. These beliefs in self preservation are false because they are founded on the premise that the self can be assailed. How can the spirit be attacked? It is not conceivable for us, and yet we consistently attempt to preserve those things that are not our self, the body, possessions, relationships. It is this attitude of cutting other people off to protect ourselves that hampers our capacity to experience the true elation and security that comes from choosing to let love abound in your heart.