Is a gift of itself. When we hold on to it, it dies, when we share it with the world, and give and give, the more we find we have to give. The energy it alots us is endless. Hatred, anger, fear on the other hand drain the energy from us, making us feel more dead than alive, and bringing us immense suffering. When we choose to project love in the midst of situations that would make others falter, we hold true to a greater truth about ourself and all things while breaking down the walls that have been placed around us to separate ourselves from the all of things. When you see with love there is no reason to fear, because the focus immediately passes from the external to the internal, which provides a consistency that the world cannot provide. No matter what happens we can be confident in our own love and that we will respond with love to all environments. When you live in fear you are always questing for an external solution because the problem is understood as being external, but when you see from love, the challenge lies not without, but within. When we see that we are in possession of the problem and therefore the solution, then all of our answers are only a decision away. This can give us the confidence we need to overlook our fears and operate wholly from our locus of control, ourselves. The knowing that comes from choosing love above all else, to BE that love, utterly without deviation, provides the greatest security that I have ever felt. It is a great comfort to know that no matter what happens, things may not be all right, but I will be all right, and that makes things all right. Not because the world has itself changed, but because I have changed. I do not need to accept the world as it is, because once I accept myself as I am, and am in a state of peace and comfort - then my perception of the world changes it. Nothing is certain that our perspective cannot alter.
Connecting to people, not to them, but to myself. THe reason I interact with people the way that I do is because its the way I interact with myself. If I want to be more comfortable with others, I will be more comfortable with myself, to be an unending source of encouragement, not actively improving situations, but empowering others to change them. A leader does not change anything, but empowers others to change things. They are ultimately responsible and capable of changing their lives, and I hold no responsibility for any external suffering. This is a great leap in my understanding of the role of a leader. The master acts without anyone knowing he is there, and when the work is complete they say, Look we did it all by ourselves. The leader does nothing but influence. He is removed and ultimately completely involved from every situation he enters. It is this air of detachment that enables him to fully engage every situation because for either good or bad, he is unaffected - allowing him to pursue the goals of others. The leader is a chameleon, without presence or identity, adopting the identity of the situation he is thrown into. The leader is nothing, and it is nothing that makes all the difference. I am. I am something so undefinable and yet so immaculately powerful. Without form the spirit moves throughout all form, touching it with the traces of divine essence. With this essence we choose what to project, either anger or fear, doubt or belief, or love. By understanding, choosing, and subtly defining the substance of our spiritual essence, we can affect all we come into contact with. The question is, in what way will we affect them?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Romantic Love
Love was confusing to me as a child. I had no concept of it, and subsequently no idea how to define it. I now define it as a genuine desire for another's happiness. But in American culture the idea of love is bombarded with many extraeneous assumptions. We hold 'romantic love' above all others, and as a result have lost sight of the concept of a genuine interpersonal love based on mutual respect for each other's existence and all the rights that come with it. Many relationships compose themselves within set parameters that often have very little to do with whether or not the two people actually love each other. There is a standard of monogamy, marriage, financial support. These kinds of relationships are based on the concept of a beneficiary. As long as they are getting something out of the relationship, they are satisfied, but once that relationship requires more effort than the pleasure it doles out, becomes one-sided or challenging, as all long term relationships do from time to time, then the relationship is over. From this perspective, love is not a grand notion of self-sacrifice or compassion overcoming adversity, it is simple self-serving - no different from any other behaviour an animal exhibits. We pursue that which benefits us, and eschew that which harms us. It is a lifestyle dependent upon the outside world, and to that extent it will always be unremarkable - another wave on the tide of life. It is those lives that strive against circumstances, that see the way things are and determine that they can be better that are truly magnificent.
When Rachel left me I was confused as to why. I had very little familiarity with this concept of love as being something executed only for self benefit. For me love has always been about giving of your own abundance. Its about what you can give not what you can receive. Love holds high connotations of superhuman compassion, an ability to love others to an extent that it overcomes great obstacles, love that cannot be conquered. In her mind there were many reasons to leave, but in my mind there was no reason so great that it would cause me to stop loving her. It seems obvious, and maybe I was seeing things purely from my own perspective, but my idea of love and my faith in its power is not a very common idea. From my research and talks with others, I've found that its actually quite a rare concept, and many people find it almost ridiculously noble. All this time it had been an integral part of my living reality, who knew? Knowing this I feel that I have another purpose in life, to tell others about the power of love, how it can overcome all difficulties, how it can forgive all wrongs, and the healing it can bring to the most troubled soul.
Since I was young I have had more compassion than anger or hate, and I'm not one to think that we are born either good or bad, but as far as I can remember I have always cared more than I had feared. Fear is another thing I haven't had much of in my life, and maybe that leads to my abundance of compassion. The belief in separation which fear springs from is responsible in some way for most of the pain we feel throughout our existence. Conversely, the belief in unity from which all love flows can bring us back into touch with the underlying energy of all things and brings us into harmony with our divine state. Separation is a wide spread belief, which causes us all deep existential conflicts regarding our role in the all of things.
It was easy for me to assume that Rachel didn't love me, and she didn't - not in the way that I loved her. She just has a more limited definition of love, with many barriers that she imposes upon it which limit her experience of that unifying love that brings ultimate happiness. We all suffer from limiting beliefs, if we didn't, we'd all be making huge changes in our world. The greatest limit to human potential comes from within ourselves. I would like to show her that she can believe in love, and give herself over to it completely without fear of harm. But we all know what its like to be tentative, to be afraid to be hurt, to avoid pain even though it may be good for us.
There is an idea in American culture that suffering or hurt is something to be avoided. This is another popular concept that I have not quite accepted, and am suprised to learn of its prevalency. It may explain how much failure and misery is present in American society. We do seem to be a culture of pessimists. When you see suffering as something to be avoided, then you in essence are in denial of the very nature of human existence. You despise life. Its a fairly powerful revelation when you think about it. Even our dreams of retirement, the great escape, drugs, video games, relationships, its all about bringing in enough pleasure in your life to make it worthwhile. What if we began to cultivate an appreciation for suffering? We all know people we admire. We see their accomplishments, and when we see them overcome great adversity in triumph we are moved deeply, but what would that triumph be without the adversity? When we see someone who plays an instrument beautifully, we only see the end result. We don't see how it was when they first picked it up. How horrible it sounded, or the countless hours of practicing. All great people have persevered through innumerable difficulties in order to achieve their great deeds. Given this fact of achievement and progress, it would seem more reasonable to cultivate an appreciation for the suffering that comes with all good things. If we were to gain an appreciation for the process that led to the fancy car and the nice house, then we might actually acquire those things. But because we only appreciate the outcome, and shun the process, the outcome will never be ours. In the same way a great relationship requires steadfast commitement, day to day, and perseverence through the harsh times, the times when hope seems dim, and having faith in the knowledge that on the other side of this adversity the two will come out stronger, closer, and more confident in their commitment to each other. So many people do not achieve their dreams because they are outcome oriented. They expect the rewards without doing what is required to receive them.
Now that I am aware of this concept of love 'as long as it benefits me', I see it time and time again in popular romance, on television, in novels, our culture is inundated with this perception of romance as something that persists only as long as it meets expectations, not something that persists beyond expectation. As soon as one party doesn't get what they want, the relationship is over. This runs contrary to an idea of love that exists solely for its own merit, not on the benefit received. According to a genuine love between two beings, you don't give love, you don't receive it, you embody it. Love becomes a part of your being and nothing else can affect that. This is how the martyrs can forgive their tormentors, how Ghandi could forgive the British, or the Dalai Lama forgive the Chinese. Their idea of love is more about who they are than a reaction to external stimuli. This is the idea of love that I hold. I love Rachel regardless of the way she treats me, or what comes between us, because that is the person that I choose to be. I choose to be one possessed of compassion, forgiveness, benevolence, and love because those are our natural states of being. It is the mindsets of distance, judgement, bitterness, anger, and fear that are essentially corrosive to our being, and those who adopt them will feel their pain. That is what I want to give to her, a faith in herself and a knowledge that she doesn't have to suffer under the belief that she must protect herself from hurt, or avoid difficulty. But as long as she subscribes to those harmful mindsets, she will always wear the mask of pain. It is that measure of happiness that I can give her.
I did assume much about her thinking, but then again probably so did she. Many of us trust our minds and regard the voice in our heads as absolute. Our minds are like our bodies, only as productive as their fitness. Through observation and discipline we can understand the subtle processes of our mind that operate beyond our knowledge and control. By understanding and gaining power over our mind, body, and other aspects of our existence, we can begin to gain mastery over our life as well.
The great tragedy is when we loose faith in ourselves. When we stop striving for something more and just give up. It happens to all of those who reach for something greater. I've been there, and I want to be there for those who are in that position. It is sad when I see the look of despair on her face, a complete and utter lack of confidence in her ability to take control of her relationships for the better. I don't know how to give her that faith in herself. I suppose I could look to the things that give me the confidence I have to struggle through difficulties and use them to my advantage. But I have been through greater difficulties than most, and through those difficulties I have learned the value of overcoming obstacles as being critical to the process of becoming a better person. Suffering, difficulty, harsh times are only as good as you make them. These trials can either embitter us, or increase our capacity for love and acceptance. They really are what you make of them, and some people come out for the better, some come out for the worse. Unfortunately, I don't think Rachel has learned much from the numerous difficulties of her life, including our relationship, and that is because with each suffering, she withdraws more and more, avoiding the pain that could lead her to such great personal transformation if only she would embrace it with confidence in her own ability to overcome. In order for her to take something on though, she needs to believe that she can. Naturally the most immediate thing that I can help her with is our relationship. I could be there as a support for her to hold her through the times where she doubts herself, where she is unsure, when she is afraid, but in order for me to be something she can depend on, she has to depend on me. I cannot provide her with a sense of self, but maybe I can support her in the tentative first steps that are so frightening when we embark on the quest of self-realization. I can help provide her with the initial security she needs to reflect and question herself, for inquiry is essential to the process of discovery, but with the goal of enhancing her own self image so that she is stronger in the future. Without a solid sense of self-esteem, almost anything in life can seem impossible. If she were to add high self esteem to my existing support of her, she would be all the stronger for it, and able to face the turbulence of life with confidence and faith.
These are lessons we can all stand to learn. Who we are and where we are is more a product of our own beliefs in ourselves than of the factors in our environment, although we are very fond of blaming outside sources for our problems. You made me feel this way, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, Its all his fault, etc etc. But great people persist and strive in the face of all of the odds that keep most people in lives that they settle for. It is those few who do not blame, who look to themselves for the answers to their problems, who really achieve great things. When they see the poor on the streets, they do not lament their position, or say the poor are responsible for their own selves, they do what they can to change that reality in a way that suits them. They see the way things are, and not only survive in adverse circumstances, but thrive in the midst of great difficulty due to the abundance of their character.
Occassionally when I see the absence of compassion in others, the manifestations of their fear, I feel the automatic rise of anger. When others project a certain emotional mindset, we are more or less inclined to go with it, according to the power of our will. The greater frame overcomes the lesser one. If someone of a stronger will maintains a compassionate mindset it will overcome someone of a lesser will with a hateful mindset, and vice versa. Since our minds are in our own keeping it is for us to improve the discipline and strength of our will through concious, consistent training. I find this anger is not only a result of my response to others, but also my expectations of them. One time Rachel said that I was acting the way I was for attention. I was taken aback, this was a response that I had considered beneath her, but then again I had projected my ideals of compassion and love to her, which she simply did not share, and are not common in our society. I have to learn to observe my external reality for what it is, and not project lofty illusions of love onto someone who really has very limited understanding of what compassion is. In realizing how things are, I can see where I can act, and the changes that can be made. However if I illusion myself and see things as better than they actually are, then I overlook critical deficits that need to be addressed. A problem ignored quickly grows out of control. If I'm going to be real about her, I'm going to have to stop projecting my expectations onto her, and make concrete observations so that I can more accurately assess the obstacles before us. Without a genuine sense of love and compassion, all relationships are due to an inevitable failure as the situations of life change. The strength of our relationships directly correlates to our capacity for love. Someone who is unwilling to forgive will find their relationships limited to that extent. As far as they are willing to forgive, to love in the face of fear, or discomfort, is as far as their relationships will go. In this way, we limit our own capacity to love and be loved in return. We limit the joy of our existence through our beleifs in self-preservation. These beliefs in self preservation are false because they are founded on the premise that the self can be assailed. How can the spirit be attacked? It is not conceivable for us, and yet we consistently attempt to preserve those things that are not our self, the body, possessions, relationships. It is this attitude of cutting other people off to protect ourselves that hampers our capacity to experience the true elation and security that comes from choosing to let love abound in your heart.
When Rachel left me I was confused as to why. I had very little familiarity with this concept of love as being something executed only for self benefit. For me love has always been about giving of your own abundance. Its about what you can give not what you can receive. Love holds high connotations of superhuman compassion, an ability to love others to an extent that it overcomes great obstacles, love that cannot be conquered. In her mind there were many reasons to leave, but in my mind there was no reason so great that it would cause me to stop loving her. It seems obvious, and maybe I was seeing things purely from my own perspective, but my idea of love and my faith in its power is not a very common idea. From my research and talks with others, I've found that its actually quite a rare concept, and many people find it almost ridiculously noble. All this time it had been an integral part of my living reality, who knew? Knowing this I feel that I have another purpose in life, to tell others about the power of love, how it can overcome all difficulties, how it can forgive all wrongs, and the healing it can bring to the most troubled soul.
Since I was young I have had more compassion than anger or hate, and I'm not one to think that we are born either good or bad, but as far as I can remember I have always cared more than I had feared. Fear is another thing I haven't had much of in my life, and maybe that leads to my abundance of compassion. The belief in separation which fear springs from is responsible in some way for most of the pain we feel throughout our existence. Conversely, the belief in unity from which all love flows can bring us back into touch with the underlying energy of all things and brings us into harmony with our divine state. Separation is a wide spread belief, which causes us all deep existential conflicts regarding our role in the all of things.
It was easy for me to assume that Rachel didn't love me, and she didn't - not in the way that I loved her. She just has a more limited definition of love, with many barriers that she imposes upon it which limit her experience of that unifying love that brings ultimate happiness. We all suffer from limiting beliefs, if we didn't, we'd all be making huge changes in our world. The greatest limit to human potential comes from within ourselves. I would like to show her that she can believe in love, and give herself over to it completely without fear of harm. But we all know what its like to be tentative, to be afraid to be hurt, to avoid pain even though it may be good for us.
There is an idea in American culture that suffering or hurt is something to be avoided. This is another popular concept that I have not quite accepted, and am suprised to learn of its prevalency. It may explain how much failure and misery is present in American society. We do seem to be a culture of pessimists. When you see suffering as something to be avoided, then you in essence are in denial of the very nature of human existence. You despise life. Its a fairly powerful revelation when you think about it. Even our dreams of retirement, the great escape, drugs, video games, relationships, its all about bringing in enough pleasure in your life to make it worthwhile. What if we began to cultivate an appreciation for suffering? We all know people we admire. We see their accomplishments, and when we see them overcome great adversity in triumph we are moved deeply, but what would that triumph be without the adversity? When we see someone who plays an instrument beautifully, we only see the end result. We don't see how it was when they first picked it up. How horrible it sounded, or the countless hours of practicing. All great people have persevered through innumerable difficulties in order to achieve their great deeds. Given this fact of achievement and progress, it would seem more reasonable to cultivate an appreciation for the suffering that comes with all good things. If we were to gain an appreciation for the process that led to the fancy car and the nice house, then we might actually acquire those things. But because we only appreciate the outcome, and shun the process, the outcome will never be ours. In the same way a great relationship requires steadfast commitement, day to day, and perseverence through the harsh times, the times when hope seems dim, and having faith in the knowledge that on the other side of this adversity the two will come out stronger, closer, and more confident in their commitment to each other. So many people do not achieve their dreams because they are outcome oriented. They expect the rewards without doing what is required to receive them.
Now that I am aware of this concept of love 'as long as it benefits me', I see it time and time again in popular romance, on television, in novels, our culture is inundated with this perception of romance as something that persists only as long as it meets expectations, not something that persists beyond expectation. As soon as one party doesn't get what they want, the relationship is over. This runs contrary to an idea of love that exists solely for its own merit, not on the benefit received. According to a genuine love between two beings, you don't give love, you don't receive it, you embody it. Love becomes a part of your being and nothing else can affect that. This is how the martyrs can forgive their tormentors, how Ghandi could forgive the British, or the Dalai Lama forgive the Chinese. Their idea of love is more about who they are than a reaction to external stimuli. This is the idea of love that I hold. I love Rachel regardless of the way she treats me, or what comes between us, because that is the person that I choose to be. I choose to be one possessed of compassion, forgiveness, benevolence, and love because those are our natural states of being. It is the mindsets of distance, judgement, bitterness, anger, and fear that are essentially corrosive to our being, and those who adopt them will feel their pain. That is what I want to give to her, a faith in herself and a knowledge that she doesn't have to suffer under the belief that she must protect herself from hurt, or avoid difficulty. But as long as she subscribes to those harmful mindsets, she will always wear the mask of pain. It is that measure of happiness that I can give her.
I did assume much about her thinking, but then again probably so did she. Many of us trust our minds and regard the voice in our heads as absolute. Our minds are like our bodies, only as productive as their fitness. Through observation and discipline we can understand the subtle processes of our mind that operate beyond our knowledge and control. By understanding and gaining power over our mind, body, and other aspects of our existence, we can begin to gain mastery over our life as well.
The great tragedy is when we loose faith in ourselves. When we stop striving for something more and just give up. It happens to all of those who reach for something greater. I've been there, and I want to be there for those who are in that position. It is sad when I see the look of despair on her face, a complete and utter lack of confidence in her ability to take control of her relationships for the better. I don't know how to give her that faith in herself. I suppose I could look to the things that give me the confidence I have to struggle through difficulties and use them to my advantage. But I have been through greater difficulties than most, and through those difficulties I have learned the value of overcoming obstacles as being critical to the process of becoming a better person. Suffering, difficulty, harsh times are only as good as you make them. These trials can either embitter us, or increase our capacity for love and acceptance. They really are what you make of them, and some people come out for the better, some come out for the worse. Unfortunately, I don't think Rachel has learned much from the numerous difficulties of her life, including our relationship, and that is because with each suffering, she withdraws more and more, avoiding the pain that could lead her to such great personal transformation if only she would embrace it with confidence in her own ability to overcome. In order for her to take something on though, she needs to believe that she can. Naturally the most immediate thing that I can help her with is our relationship. I could be there as a support for her to hold her through the times where she doubts herself, where she is unsure, when she is afraid, but in order for me to be something she can depend on, she has to depend on me. I cannot provide her with a sense of self, but maybe I can support her in the tentative first steps that are so frightening when we embark on the quest of self-realization. I can help provide her with the initial security she needs to reflect and question herself, for inquiry is essential to the process of discovery, but with the goal of enhancing her own self image so that she is stronger in the future. Without a solid sense of self-esteem, almost anything in life can seem impossible. If she were to add high self esteem to my existing support of her, she would be all the stronger for it, and able to face the turbulence of life with confidence and faith.
These are lessons we can all stand to learn. Who we are and where we are is more a product of our own beliefs in ourselves than of the factors in our environment, although we are very fond of blaming outside sources for our problems. You made me feel this way, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, Its all his fault, etc etc. But great people persist and strive in the face of all of the odds that keep most people in lives that they settle for. It is those few who do not blame, who look to themselves for the answers to their problems, who really achieve great things. When they see the poor on the streets, they do not lament their position, or say the poor are responsible for their own selves, they do what they can to change that reality in a way that suits them. They see the way things are, and not only survive in adverse circumstances, but thrive in the midst of great difficulty due to the abundance of their character.
Occassionally when I see the absence of compassion in others, the manifestations of their fear, I feel the automatic rise of anger. When others project a certain emotional mindset, we are more or less inclined to go with it, according to the power of our will. The greater frame overcomes the lesser one. If someone of a stronger will maintains a compassionate mindset it will overcome someone of a lesser will with a hateful mindset, and vice versa. Since our minds are in our own keeping it is for us to improve the discipline and strength of our will through concious, consistent training. I find this anger is not only a result of my response to others, but also my expectations of them. One time Rachel said that I was acting the way I was for attention. I was taken aback, this was a response that I had considered beneath her, but then again I had projected my ideals of compassion and love to her, which she simply did not share, and are not common in our society. I have to learn to observe my external reality for what it is, and not project lofty illusions of love onto someone who really has very limited understanding of what compassion is. In realizing how things are, I can see where I can act, and the changes that can be made. However if I illusion myself and see things as better than they actually are, then I overlook critical deficits that need to be addressed. A problem ignored quickly grows out of control. If I'm going to be real about her, I'm going to have to stop projecting my expectations onto her, and make concrete observations so that I can more accurately assess the obstacles before us. Without a genuine sense of love and compassion, all relationships are due to an inevitable failure as the situations of life change. The strength of our relationships directly correlates to our capacity for love. Someone who is unwilling to forgive will find their relationships limited to that extent. As far as they are willing to forgive, to love in the face of fear, or discomfort, is as far as their relationships will go. In this way, we limit our own capacity to love and be loved in return. We limit the joy of our existence through our beleifs in self-preservation. These beliefs in self preservation are false because they are founded on the premise that the self can be assailed. How can the spirit be attacked? It is not conceivable for us, and yet we consistently attempt to preserve those things that are not our self, the body, possessions, relationships. It is this attitude of cutting other people off to protect ourselves that hampers our capacity to experience the true elation and security that comes from choosing to let love abound in your heart.
Self-Defense
I wish we could all see the damage defending our ego causes. You want to show that you're right, because somehow it makes you better when somebody else is wrong. Defending the ego is a small thing, compared to the large thing it gives up. When you make your opinion more important than connecting with someone else, listening to them, loving them, than you pick something you already possess, over receiving that human gift. How petty. Small minds create small results. It takes the bigger person to see things beyond the ego to address something from the perspective of the other person, and to help them achieve a solution, not yourself. With a knowledge of self, a person can live beyond the ego. When you realize and have confidence in you worth as a living thing, then you can operate in a realm that gives no heed to ego and frees you from all the petty struggle that afflicts those who turn the outside world into a personal battleground. That's all the ego is, an attempt to compensate for a lack of genuine self knowledge. Its when we extend ourselves out into various aspects of the world and align our very sense of being and self worth with those aspects. We can turn beliefs, opinions, authority, beauty, skill, knowledge, anything, into a representative of the very fabric of our being, which is unalterable. But when we attach to these things, we take something that is invincible and make it vulnerable. We place ourselves in a precarious position and bring about our own pain when those variable aspects change as all external things do. When our opinion is questioned, we flame up in defence, but of what? We aren't being threatened, but because we align ourselves with those things that are ever changing, we feel threatened. And so by our own associations, we create suffering in our lives.
Sex is Overrated
All my life I've never had good sex. I've given good sex, that much is evident by the multiple orgasms, characturesque faces of exstacy, and that goofy newborn giraffe walk that girls do because their legs aren't so stable afterwards. For the girls I've been with, the sex was always far better on their end, and thats what I wanted. Not for their pleasure to be greater than mine, but to give them immense pleasure. It has been my greatest expression of affection. Oddly enough, they didn't see it as an expression of love, but of lust - which is a distinction I've never really made. If you make someone feel good, no matter what form it takes, its because you love them right? Maybe its the lingering puritanism in our society, but sex in a relationship seems to take on the role of a guilty pleasure. Its not the gift, the unifying moment between two people, the incredible moment of emotional exstacy that it is to me - its just sex, you squish things together cause it feels good.
I realize now that I have never really been into the sex. I dug the emotional connection. While the girls I made love to seem to have chucked it down to an expression of primal urges, I was attempting a genuine emotional expression. Its amazing how perspective can change a situation entirely. Even from the start of my sexual experiences I thought of the physical sensations, 'This is it?' And yes this is it, all there is to it. Sex for the physical aspect is almost an insignificant pleasure for me, like many other pleasures. What matters to me in sex is the emotional bond that I form with that person, but sex for the purpose of sex is ultimately not even worth the time or effort. Without a connection, the feel good aspect of sex is not great enough to justify its pursuit. But this is my attitude towards all worldly pleasures, from food, to entertainment, to drugs, to sex, it all seems quite unimpressive to me. I am uncommon in that I do not have an incredible appreciation for the pleasures that most other people spend a good portion of their lives pursuing.
Maybe its because those girls received so much from the physical aspect of it, that they drowned out the emotional. I've always thought that being a good lover is tantamount to a good relationship, but now I realize that not everyone brings an emotional connection into sex the way I do. Everyone expereinces love and affection differently, and not everyone feels it principly in physical intimacy - as I do. All this time I have been a student of pleasure, researching, implementing, and perfecting techniques and philosophies of sexuality so that I could give my love something great, but I had always been assuming something. I think this is how the stereotypical cultural mindset of the one night stand feels. The girl puts out with the understanding of a relationship, and the guy never calls back. It boils down to a conflict of interest. I have to learn that not everyone experiences and builds emotional intimacy in the same way that I do. So in the future, I'm going to take the time, before I engage in sexual activity, to establish an emotional connection beforehand so that the sex will have meaning. Without that meaning, sex is - well - boring. Sex is something that can be very good, or very bad, and simply because I haven't had good sex doesn't mean it isn't out there, it just means that maybe I'm not approaching it in the most productive fashion. I'm going to build that emotional connection, find what specific behaviours kick on the love circuits in the person I'm courting, and then begin to build that emotional connection that makes sex worthwhile. Sexuality in the physical sense, without a deep underlying physical connection, has an emptiness to it, like fancy wrapping paper with no gift inside. Maybe the reason I do so well sexually is because I really put myself into it emotionally, in that sense it has always been a genuine emotional expression, because I've tried to communicate my love with every touch. The ones I have been with may not have understood that, and that's why the experience on my end was lack luster. For them sex was more of an act of pleasure, whereas for me it was an expression of love. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Assuming too much leads to this kind of confusion. It was real for me, thats all I can say.
Not everyone gives as easily as I do, and I have to keep in mind that the world doesn't operate according to my personal idealism. The more and more I improve my character and discipline my mind in the pursuit of a higher self, the more effort I have to exert to dispel my illusions about the world. We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. This is a common misperception in humans, projecting personal thoughts, standards, and expectations onto a world that just doesn't conform. Learning to see things more according to their reality and less according to my reality is a skill that is improved throughout my lifetime, and the farther and farther I build myself up, the more I stray from the norm. I have to remind myself of the importance of observation, and eschew assuming and attempting to figure things out on my own, because if I want to figure anything out, I have to have multiple perspectives. I can give great emotional involvement into sexuality that most people simply don't. They're more worried about protecting themselves emotionally which naturally will limit your level of commitment. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll be hurt, as much as I'm striving to give myself more and more into each little interaction. Its those who attempt their own preservation who ultimately sabotage their efforts for a great connection because it is ultimately that attempted self preservation that is the primary restricting factor in the expression of their relationship.
I have to be aware of other people's limitations, limitations I may not have. Just because I may excell in an area is no reason to think that they will, and I may have to give them a hand up in those situations, help them along where they haven't come as far as I have. I haven't really given much attention or thought in relationships to emotional difficulties my partners have faced. I had the opinion that internal growth was something faced internally, and it is, but help from outside sure can be nice. I've never really considered my role as a mentor in the relationship to be a primary one, but it seems that it could be. I haven't been a very good teacher, given my limited experience, but I am getting better as I begin to understand all the little idiosyncrasies that afflict the common human's thinking. With an understanding as to exactly Why people can be so senseless, destructive, and illogical, I can begin to understand their motives and help them to understand their behaviour themselves. I have always valued the role of a teacher, and the greatest aspect of a great teacher is that he is a great student - never ceasing learning even from the most minute aspects of reality. I can help those I'm with learn how to let go of their fears and embrace the fullness of love and bring that deep connection into their relationships that they crave but simultaneously are frightened of.
Helping someone achieve the confidence they need to fully give themselves to a relationship is a wonderful gift we could all use in our daily relationships, and it all comes down to a matter of focus. If you focus on how you could be hurt, that's all you'll think about, but if you focus on how you can help other people then you can really start to act effectively towards that end. And in helping others you find yourself taken care of as well. No one who gives fully of themlselves ever goes without. It is that kind of attitude that is fundamental not only to our romantic relationships but also to our daily interactions with everyone we meet. When you adopt the attitude of giving, then your relationships and the emotional connection you experience is only limited to the extent that you can give. As we go on with the intention of giving, we can learn to give more and more and in so doing gradually improve the quality of our relationships and our lives.
I realize now that I have never really been into the sex. I dug the emotional connection. While the girls I made love to seem to have chucked it down to an expression of primal urges, I was attempting a genuine emotional expression. Its amazing how perspective can change a situation entirely. Even from the start of my sexual experiences I thought of the physical sensations, 'This is it?' And yes this is it, all there is to it. Sex for the physical aspect is almost an insignificant pleasure for me, like many other pleasures. What matters to me in sex is the emotional bond that I form with that person, but sex for the purpose of sex is ultimately not even worth the time or effort. Without a connection, the feel good aspect of sex is not great enough to justify its pursuit. But this is my attitude towards all worldly pleasures, from food, to entertainment, to drugs, to sex, it all seems quite unimpressive to me. I am uncommon in that I do not have an incredible appreciation for the pleasures that most other people spend a good portion of their lives pursuing.
Maybe its because those girls received so much from the physical aspect of it, that they drowned out the emotional. I've always thought that being a good lover is tantamount to a good relationship, but now I realize that not everyone brings an emotional connection into sex the way I do. Everyone expereinces love and affection differently, and not everyone feels it principly in physical intimacy - as I do. All this time I have been a student of pleasure, researching, implementing, and perfecting techniques and philosophies of sexuality so that I could give my love something great, but I had always been assuming something. I think this is how the stereotypical cultural mindset of the one night stand feels. The girl puts out with the understanding of a relationship, and the guy never calls back. It boils down to a conflict of interest. I have to learn that not everyone experiences and builds emotional intimacy in the same way that I do. So in the future, I'm going to take the time, before I engage in sexual activity, to establish an emotional connection beforehand so that the sex will have meaning. Without that meaning, sex is - well - boring. Sex is something that can be very good, or very bad, and simply because I haven't had good sex doesn't mean it isn't out there, it just means that maybe I'm not approaching it in the most productive fashion. I'm going to build that emotional connection, find what specific behaviours kick on the love circuits in the person I'm courting, and then begin to build that emotional connection that makes sex worthwhile. Sexuality in the physical sense, without a deep underlying physical connection, has an emptiness to it, like fancy wrapping paper with no gift inside. Maybe the reason I do so well sexually is because I really put myself into it emotionally, in that sense it has always been a genuine emotional expression, because I've tried to communicate my love with every touch. The ones I have been with may not have understood that, and that's why the experience on my end was lack luster. For them sex was more of an act of pleasure, whereas for me it was an expression of love. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Assuming too much leads to this kind of confusion. It was real for me, thats all I can say.
Not everyone gives as easily as I do, and I have to keep in mind that the world doesn't operate according to my personal idealism. The more and more I improve my character and discipline my mind in the pursuit of a higher self, the more effort I have to exert to dispel my illusions about the world. We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. This is a common misperception in humans, projecting personal thoughts, standards, and expectations onto a world that just doesn't conform. Learning to see things more according to their reality and less according to my reality is a skill that is improved throughout my lifetime, and the farther and farther I build myself up, the more I stray from the norm. I have to remind myself of the importance of observation, and eschew assuming and attempting to figure things out on my own, because if I want to figure anything out, I have to have multiple perspectives. I can give great emotional involvement into sexuality that most people simply don't. They're more worried about protecting themselves emotionally which naturally will limit your level of commitment. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll be hurt, as much as I'm striving to give myself more and more into each little interaction. Its those who attempt their own preservation who ultimately sabotage their efforts for a great connection because it is ultimately that attempted self preservation that is the primary restricting factor in the expression of their relationship.
I have to be aware of other people's limitations, limitations I may not have. Just because I may excell in an area is no reason to think that they will, and I may have to give them a hand up in those situations, help them along where they haven't come as far as I have. I haven't really given much attention or thought in relationships to emotional difficulties my partners have faced. I had the opinion that internal growth was something faced internally, and it is, but help from outside sure can be nice. I've never really considered my role as a mentor in the relationship to be a primary one, but it seems that it could be. I haven't been a very good teacher, given my limited experience, but I am getting better as I begin to understand all the little idiosyncrasies that afflict the common human's thinking. With an understanding as to exactly Why people can be so senseless, destructive, and illogical, I can begin to understand their motives and help them to understand their behaviour themselves. I have always valued the role of a teacher, and the greatest aspect of a great teacher is that he is a great student - never ceasing learning even from the most minute aspects of reality. I can help those I'm with learn how to let go of their fears and embrace the fullness of love and bring that deep connection into their relationships that they crave but simultaneously are frightened of.
Helping someone achieve the confidence they need to fully give themselves to a relationship is a wonderful gift we could all use in our daily relationships, and it all comes down to a matter of focus. If you focus on how you could be hurt, that's all you'll think about, but if you focus on how you can help other people then you can really start to act effectively towards that end. And in helping others you find yourself taken care of as well. No one who gives fully of themlselves ever goes without. It is that kind of attitude that is fundamental not only to our romantic relationships but also to our daily interactions with everyone we meet. When you adopt the attitude of giving, then your relationships and the emotional connection you experience is only limited to the extent that you can give. As we go on with the intention of giving, we can learn to give more and more and in so doing gradually improve the quality of our relationships and our lives.
Love Expectancy
I used to feel frustrated with people's lack of compassion. With Rachel and Amanda, I would give them my unconditional love, and expect the same thing in return. That's just how things work right? Oddly enough it was my expectancy that love was the same for everyone, but like anything else in life, love comes in degrees. Not everyone appreciates people without qualifying them. Most are out to see what they can get out of love. The whole idea of giving and caring because we are all one universal being, or because love is better than apathy, is not a universal one. All this time I think I've been living in a world all my own. It seems that an idea of universal, unconditional love is actually not very common in the Western world. There's an expectation to think What can love do for me? Which is ironically contradictory to how I would see love. Love for me bursts from the pores because I feel it for all, and it is that affinity that helps me to think of the world in a more positive, less threatening light. Most people are somehow afraid of the world as well. Their decisions are based more on what they don't want than what they do want, and as a result they never get the life they wanted.
I wanted Rachel and Amanda to love me unconditionally, in the way that I love them, to have that true love that comes from recognizing a fellow being with all the same rights and many of the same basic desires that we all have. But I have recently come to realize that this understanding of love and the universe is not a common one. Sure we hear it all the time in religious doctrine and most of us know in our heads at least that that's how things should be done, but when it comes to our lives, so few of us really understand the practical application of the concept, in thought and deed.
The frustration I feel comes from an expectancy, and a want, that has not been fulfilled. But its like fighting against reality - you can either deny it and make yourself miserable with your delusions, or you can recognize and assess the problem and face it as it really is. Neither of them love me to the extent I had hoped, thats out there, its the way it is. What can I do in light of this information? Continue to be open, to approach them gently, in the hopes of helping them to expand their ability for love and compassion and thereby the quality of their lives. For it is by the expression of compassion that we find the most deep and enduring happiness. But that is an ultimate goal. Before they can achieve that higher level of spiritual knowledge, I can simply fulfill the role of a caring person, someone who is there to listen, and enhance the feeling of connection we all desire.
Apparently this higher spiritual realization of love is quite a significant thing to learn and not nearly as popular as I had thought it was. That probably comes from a fallacy in my own thinking. We all see the world as we are, not as it is, and so I have used my thinking to attempt to understandn other people's thinking. When I bring my knowledge of love as unwavering and steadfast into my analysis of people's behaviour, then of course their actions are bewildering. But almost all of us would consider this love an almost miraculous thing, something they only talk about in fairy tales, but for me it is an everyday reality. I don't know why I was born with such an immense compassion. I've been like this since I can remember. But with this in mind it would make sense that Rachel and Amanda would doubt my good intentions, for the love that I have for them is something they've never experienced and probably something they don't beleive exists, because it doesn't exist within them. We tend to fear and doubt anything that we don't fully comprehend, its just human nature. In order for us to understand anything we have to understand it within ourselves, and we have to strive for that understanding, but to understand something from without - especially when we don't want to, is pretty impossible. All of our understandings of these complex notions come from a deep knowledge of the self, because it is from the self that we interact with the universe.
Rather than feel proud or accomplished for attaining this understanding of love that is so uncommon, I feel an immense obligation to bring it to others. We conduct ourselves in so much fear and anger and then we wonder why we feel so terrible. These behaviours are caustic to the soul, and yet to most of us, they are a matter of day to day existence. As a people we are slowly poisoning ourselves. We don't make reaching out and helping people a part of our lives, and then wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected. There seems to be an attitude that compassion is a matter of sacrifice, that you have to give something up in order to be compassionate. I would say that compassion is a matter of receiving, good health, a better attitude, a happier existence. The benefits we get from living a compassionate life are worth far more than what most of us put into it. Like anything in life that you build to incredible results, cultivating love and compassion in your being brings elation and a sense of purpose. When we hold onto bitterness and anger, it eats away at our very souls.
Error is the way of our existence, and all those who suffer - I hope that their suffering is not in vain, that someday they will reflect on the results of their decisions regarding themselves and see the pain their thought and actions cause and turn from those destructive ways. Maybe thats what it means when He said, Repent and sin no more. To sin literally means to miss the mark. Most of us want happiness, we just spend the entirety of our lives looking for it in the wrong places, chasing it in phantoms. The way to build a happy soul is to cultivate those attitudes that lift you up, and reduce those that bring you down. The construction of happiness comes from within, not from without, and that may be where most people miss the mark.
Above all we are all human, with the same desire for happiness, and the same rights across the world. Beyond that there is an affinity for all things. When we see each other as the same, no one better or different from the other in the most important ways, then we take a big step towards realizing our own compassion - placing ourselves as equals. When we see ourselves as the same we no longer judge, and we begin to approach things as though we ourselves were shouldering their burden. This is closer to the truth, for we are all the same being bearing the same burden of suffering, and by eliminating any suffering in the world we help in some way to reduce the suffering of all.
All there is for me to do is to actively engage myself in empathy with this world. In so doing I hope that someday Amanda and Rachel will realize some of the love that I have for them, even if they may not comprehend its entirety. We all want to be connected, to feel a part of the whole, and to cut anyone off, especially if they are suffering, seems cruel to me. Those most caustic elements of society are those most in need of compassion, for it is their separation that causes the pain which drives their destructive habits. Not all of us strive for betterment, most of us just try to get by. I believe things can be better, and I believe that I have a role to play in that. We are all given gifts to use them, and it seems that mine are destined to help people. That is what I will strive for.
I wanted Rachel and Amanda to love me unconditionally, in the way that I love them, to have that true love that comes from recognizing a fellow being with all the same rights and many of the same basic desires that we all have. But I have recently come to realize that this understanding of love and the universe is not a common one. Sure we hear it all the time in religious doctrine and most of us know in our heads at least that that's how things should be done, but when it comes to our lives, so few of us really understand the practical application of the concept, in thought and deed.
The frustration I feel comes from an expectancy, and a want, that has not been fulfilled. But its like fighting against reality - you can either deny it and make yourself miserable with your delusions, or you can recognize and assess the problem and face it as it really is. Neither of them love me to the extent I had hoped, thats out there, its the way it is. What can I do in light of this information? Continue to be open, to approach them gently, in the hopes of helping them to expand their ability for love and compassion and thereby the quality of their lives. For it is by the expression of compassion that we find the most deep and enduring happiness. But that is an ultimate goal. Before they can achieve that higher level of spiritual knowledge, I can simply fulfill the role of a caring person, someone who is there to listen, and enhance the feeling of connection we all desire.
Apparently this higher spiritual realization of love is quite a significant thing to learn and not nearly as popular as I had thought it was. That probably comes from a fallacy in my own thinking. We all see the world as we are, not as it is, and so I have used my thinking to attempt to understandn other people's thinking. When I bring my knowledge of love as unwavering and steadfast into my analysis of people's behaviour, then of course their actions are bewildering. But almost all of us would consider this love an almost miraculous thing, something they only talk about in fairy tales, but for me it is an everyday reality. I don't know why I was born with such an immense compassion. I've been like this since I can remember. But with this in mind it would make sense that Rachel and Amanda would doubt my good intentions, for the love that I have for them is something they've never experienced and probably something they don't beleive exists, because it doesn't exist within them. We tend to fear and doubt anything that we don't fully comprehend, its just human nature. In order for us to understand anything we have to understand it within ourselves, and we have to strive for that understanding, but to understand something from without - especially when we don't want to, is pretty impossible. All of our understandings of these complex notions come from a deep knowledge of the self, because it is from the self that we interact with the universe.
Rather than feel proud or accomplished for attaining this understanding of love that is so uncommon, I feel an immense obligation to bring it to others. We conduct ourselves in so much fear and anger and then we wonder why we feel so terrible. These behaviours are caustic to the soul, and yet to most of us, they are a matter of day to day existence. As a people we are slowly poisoning ourselves. We don't make reaching out and helping people a part of our lives, and then wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected. There seems to be an attitude that compassion is a matter of sacrifice, that you have to give something up in order to be compassionate. I would say that compassion is a matter of receiving, good health, a better attitude, a happier existence. The benefits we get from living a compassionate life are worth far more than what most of us put into it. Like anything in life that you build to incredible results, cultivating love and compassion in your being brings elation and a sense of purpose. When we hold onto bitterness and anger, it eats away at our very souls.
Error is the way of our existence, and all those who suffer - I hope that their suffering is not in vain, that someday they will reflect on the results of their decisions regarding themselves and see the pain their thought and actions cause and turn from those destructive ways. Maybe thats what it means when He said, Repent and sin no more. To sin literally means to miss the mark. Most of us want happiness, we just spend the entirety of our lives looking for it in the wrong places, chasing it in phantoms. The way to build a happy soul is to cultivate those attitudes that lift you up, and reduce those that bring you down. The construction of happiness comes from within, not from without, and that may be where most people miss the mark.
Above all we are all human, with the same desire for happiness, and the same rights across the world. Beyond that there is an affinity for all things. When we see each other as the same, no one better or different from the other in the most important ways, then we take a big step towards realizing our own compassion - placing ourselves as equals. When we see ourselves as the same we no longer judge, and we begin to approach things as though we ourselves were shouldering their burden. This is closer to the truth, for we are all the same being bearing the same burden of suffering, and by eliminating any suffering in the world we help in some way to reduce the suffering of all.
All there is for me to do is to actively engage myself in empathy with this world. In so doing I hope that someday Amanda and Rachel will realize some of the love that I have for them, even if they may not comprehend its entirety. We all want to be connected, to feel a part of the whole, and to cut anyone off, especially if they are suffering, seems cruel to me. Those most caustic elements of society are those most in need of compassion, for it is their separation that causes the pain which drives their destructive habits. Not all of us strive for betterment, most of us just try to get by. I believe things can be better, and I believe that I have a role to play in that. We are all given gifts to use them, and it seems that mine are destined to help people. That is what I will strive for.
Sharing Love
Sometimes our expressions work out well. We get to show those we love how much we care about them, and they recieve it, and it is a wonderful joyous moment. It is for these moments that many of us live. Moments of profound benevolence, where there is no threat, no doubt, where we fully give ourselves over to that ultimate emotion - love. Love gives us the greatest joy we will ever feel in our lives, and in that moment we know that life truly is a most wonderful thing. It is the lack of love that leads us to abhor our own existence. In the absence of love, fear takes over, and by their nature these negative emotions are caustic to our souls and well being. The joy of love is the divine connection with all things. It is when we tap into our innate connection and throw all of our beliefs about separation to the side, that we come into alignment with our true place in the universe.
I would like to give this love to those who are important to me, but sometimes they cannot be so open. We all have times where we have clung to the fears that produce our own miseries, it is the nature of people, and we all spend our entire lives learning to overcome them. At times like these the love cannot flow freely between us, but I can still express my love for them by understanding their lot. We all exist in a state of error, and I have known the temptation of fear that results in a most profound suffering. Many times I have succumbed to beliefs that we all succumb to day by day, and I have to remind myself that even with this knowledge that I have, I STILL fall into those ways inspired by fear and separation. In that sense I would consider it my duty to extend to others the forgiveness that I extend to myself. For where sin abounded, grace abounded more. In these times of division, the only love I can extend to those who cut themselves off, is the acceptance and understanding of how they are feeling, what they are going through. No one does wrong intentionally, for in each case we all believe that somehow those wrongs are the right thing, that they will reduce the suffering present in their world. I do not have compassion or allowance for them as a higher being, but as one who shares in their fate, as we all share in each others fate. We all strive against the belief in our own separation and individuality and the hurt that it brings. Some of us are a little better at it, it is a skill that we develop like anything else, and if we think of it as a skill, then we can appreciate those who are still learning. Like a violinist tutors his pupil, those of us who have learned about life and love, and the importance of realizing them in our daily lives can teach others how to live awakened to the nature of separation and unity. Based on the measure of existence, we are all equal, even though the skills for living that we learn may vary, by value we are all one. This perspective helps us to live together as one, and reduces the judgement that comes from thinking we are better than someone in some aspect. This impulse also com from a belief in our own inferiority, and us attempting to patch up that inferiority with external accomplishments. We don't know who we are, as a species, and as a result we look for ways to bolster our image, to prove to ourselves our own worth, in many aspects of our external and even internal realities. Whether we pursue skills, or wealth, or knowledge, a profound ignorance of our inner selves has caused us to latch onto these things in an attempt to complete what is already complete. The belief in incompleteness is an illusion that leads us to seek many things out of desperation rather than want.
I cannot always share love with those as I desire to, but perhaps I can show them the greatest measure of love they will allow, forgiveness. I can respect their hurt and the confusion they have about where to go, which direction to take, which action to pursue. We have all felt lost according to our own wisdom, and in those times it helps to take comfort in faith - which is the belief that we can do things right eventually. Throughout the entirety of our lives, no matter what happens, as long as we continually strive for the best we have done well. There are dark times when we loose faith, when we don't believe in ourselves or others, when we are afraid to hope. Eventually we will come out of those times with new lessons about our lives and ourselves, and hopefully a greater confidence in our faith. As difficult as these darak times are, on the other side we can be confident that we will come out stronger, and the better for it. Believe and it will be so.
I would like to give this love to those who are important to me, but sometimes they cannot be so open. We all have times where we have clung to the fears that produce our own miseries, it is the nature of people, and we all spend our entire lives learning to overcome them. At times like these the love cannot flow freely between us, but I can still express my love for them by understanding their lot. We all exist in a state of error, and I have known the temptation of fear that results in a most profound suffering. Many times I have succumbed to beliefs that we all succumb to day by day, and I have to remind myself that even with this knowledge that I have, I STILL fall into those ways inspired by fear and separation. In that sense I would consider it my duty to extend to others the forgiveness that I extend to myself. For where sin abounded, grace abounded more. In these times of division, the only love I can extend to those who cut themselves off, is the acceptance and understanding of how they are feeling, what they are going through. No one does wrong intentionally, for in each case we all believe that somehow those wrongs are the right thing, that they will reduce the suffering present in their world. I do not have compassion or allowance for them as a higher being, but as one who shares in their fate, as we all share in each others fate. We all strive against the belief in our own separation and individuality and the hurt that it brings. Some of us are a little better at it, it is a skill that we develop like anything else, and if we think of it as a skill, then we can appreciate those who are still learning. Like a violinist tutors his pupil, those of us who have learned about life and love, and the importance of realizing them in our daily lives can teach others how to live awakened to the nature of separation and unity. Based on the measure of existence, we are all equal, even though the skills for living that we learn may vary, by value we are all one. This perspective helps us to live together as one, and reduces the judgement that comes from thinking we are better than someone in some aspect. This impulse also com from a belief in our own inferiority, and us attempting to patch up that inferiority with external accomplishments. We don't know who we are, as a species, and as a result we look for ways to bolster our image, to prove to ourselves our own worth, in many aspects of our external and even internal realities. Whether we pursue skills, or wealth, or knowledge, a profound ignorance of our inner selves has caused us to latch onto these things in an attempt to complete what is already complete. The belief in incompleteness is an illusion that leads us to seek many things out of desperation rather than want.
I cannot always share love with those as I desire to, but perhaps I can show them the greatest measure of love they will allow, forgiveness. I can respect their hurt and the confusion they have about where to go, which direction to take, which action to pursue. We have all felt lost according to our own wisdom, and in those times it helps to take comfort in faith - which is the belief that we can do things right eventually. Throughout the entirety of our lives, no matter what happens, as long as we continually strive for the best we have done well. There are dark times when we loose faith, when we don't believe in ourselves or others, when we are afraid to hope. Eventually we will come out of those times with new lessons about our lives and ourselves, and hopefully a greater confidence in our faith. As difficult as these darak times are, on the other side we can be confident that we will come out stronger, and the better for it. Believe and it will be so.
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