Sex is Overrated

All my life I've never had good sex. I've given good sex, that much is evident by the multiple orgasms, characturesque faces of exstacy, and that goofy newborn giraffe walk that girls do because their legs aren't so stable afterwards. For the girls I've been with, the sex was always far better on their end, and thats what I wanted. Not for their pleasure to be greater than mine, but to give them immense pleasure. It has been my greatest expression of affection. Oddly enough, they didn't see it as an expression of love, but of lust - which is a distinction I've never really made. If you make someone feel good, no matter what form it takes, its because you love them right? Maybe its the lingering puritanism in our society, but sex in a relationship seems to take on the role of a guilty pleasure. Its not the gift, the unifying moment between two people, the incredible moment of emotional exstacy that it is to me - its just sex, you squish things together cause it feels good.
I realize now that I have never really been into the sex. I dug the emotional connection. While the girls I made love to seem to have chucked it down to an expression of primal urges, I was attempting a genuine emotional expression. Its amazing how perspective can change a situation entirely. Even from the start of my sexual experiences I thought of the physical sensations, 'This is it?' And yes this is it, all there is to it. Sex for the physical aspect is almost an insignificant pleasure for me, like many other pleasures. What matters to me in sex is the emotional bond that I form with that person, but sex for the purpose of sex is ultimately not even worth the time or effort. Without a connection, the feel good aspect of sex is not great enough to justify its pursuit. But this is my attitude towards all worldly pleasures, from food, to entertainment, to drugs, to sex, it all seems quite unimpressive to me. I am uncommon in that I do not have an incredible appreciation for the pleasures that most other people spend a good portion of their lives pursuing.
Maybe its because those girls received so much from the physical aspect of it, that they drowned out the emotional. I've always thought that being a good lover is tantamount to a good relationship, but now I realize that not everyone brings an emotional connection into sex the way I do. Everyone expereinces love and affection differently, and not everyone feels it principly in physical intimacy - as I do. All this time I have been a student of pleasure, researching, implementing, and perfecting techniques and philosophies of sexuality so that I could give my love something great, but I had always been assuming something. I think this is how the stereotypical cultural mindset of the one night stand feels. The girl puts out with the understanding of a relationship, and the guy never calls back. It boils down to a conflict of interest. I have to learn that not everyone experiences and builds emotional intimacy in the same way that I do. So in the future, I'm going to take the time, before I engage in sexual activity, to establish an emotional connection beforehand so that the sex will have meaning. Without that meaning, sex is - well - boring. Sex is something that can be very good, or very bad, and simply because I haven't had good sex doesn't mean it isn't out there, it just means that maybe I'm not approaching it in the most productive fashion. I'm going to build that emotional connection, find what specific behaviours kick on the love circuits in the person I'm courting, and then begin to build that emotional connection that makes sex worthwhile. Sexuality in the physical sense, without a deep underlying physical connection, has an emptiness to it, like fancy wrapping paper with no gift inside. Maybe the reason I do so well sexually is because I really put myself into it emotionally, in that sense it has always been a genuine emotional expression, because I've tried to communicate my love with every touch. The ones I have been with may not have understood that, and that's why the experience on my end was lack luster. For them sex was more of an act of pleasure, whereas for me it was an expression of love. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Assuming too much leads to this kind of confusion. It was real for me, thats all I can say.
Not everyone gives as easily as I do, and I have to keep in mind that the world doesn't operate according to my personal idealism. The more and more I improve my character and discipline my mind in the pursuit of a higher self, the more effort I have to exert to dispel my illusions about the world. We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. This is a common misperception in humans, projecting personal thoughts, standards, and expectations onto a world that just doesn't conform. Learning to see things more according to their reality and less according to my reality is a skill that is improved throughout my lifetime, and the farther and farther I build myself up, the more I stray from the norm. I have to remind myself of the importance of observation, and eschew assuming and attempting to figure things out on my own, because if I want to figure anything out, I have to have multiple perspectives. I can give great emotional involvement into sexuality that most people simply don't. They're more worried about protecting themselves emotionally which naturally will limit your level of commitment. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll be hurt, as much as I'm striving to give myself more and more into each little interaction. Its those who attempt their own preservation who ultimately sabotage their efforts for a great connection because it is ultimately that attempted self preservation that is the primary restricting factor in the expression of their relationship.
I have to be aware of other people's limitations, limitations I may not have. Just because I may excell in an area is no reason to think that they will, and I may have to give them a hand up in those situations, help them along where they haven't come as far as I have. I haven't really given much attention or thought in relationships to emotional difficulties my partners have faced. I had the opinion that internal growth was something faced internally, and it is, but help from outside sure can be nice. I've never really considered my role as a mentor in the relationship to be a primary one, but it seems that it could be. I haven't been a very good teacher, given my limited experience, but I am getting better as I begin to understand all the little idiosyncrasies that afflict the common human's thinking. With an understanding as to exactly Why people can be so senseless, destructive, and illogical, I can begin to understand their motives and help them to understand their behaviour themselves. I have always valued the role of a teacher, and the greatest aspect of a great teacher is that he is a great student - never ceasing learning even from the most minute aspects of reality. I can help those I'm with learn how to let go of their fears and embrace the fullness of love and bring that deep connection into their relationships that they crave but simultaneously are frightened of.
Helping someone achieve the confidence they need to fully give themselves to a relationship is a wonderful gift we could all use in our daily relationships, and it all comes down to a matter of focus. If you focus on how you could be hurt, that's all you'll think about, but if you focus on how you can help other people then you can really start to act effectively towards that end. And in helping others you find yourself taken care of as well. No one who gives fully of themlselves ever goes without. It is that kind of attitude that is fundamental not only to our romantic relationships but also to our daily interactions with everyone we meet. When you adopt the attitude of giving, then your relationships and the emotional connection you experience is only limited to the extent that you can give. As we go on with the intention of giving, we can learn to give more and more and in so doing gradually improve the quality of our relationships and our lives.

Love Expectancy

I used to feel frustrated with people's lack of compassion. With Rachel and Amanda, I would give them my unconditional love, and expect the same thing in return. That's just how things work right? Oddly enough it was my expectancy that love was the same for everyone, but like anything else in life, love comes in degrees. Not everyone appreciates people without qualifying them. Most are out to see what they can get out of love. The whole idea of giving and caring because we are all one universal being, or because love is better than apathy, is not a universal one. All this time I think I've been living in a world all my own. It seems that an idea of universal, unconditional love is actually not very common in the Western world. There's an expectation to think What can love do for me? Which is ironically contradictory to how I would see love. Love for me bursts from the pores because I feel it for all, and it is that affinity that helps me to think of the world in a more positive, less threatening light. Most people are somehow afraid of the world as well. Their decisions are based more on what they don't want than what they do want, and as a result they never get the life they wanted.
I wanted Rachel and Amanda to love me unconditionally, in the way that I love them, to have that true love that comes from recognizing a fellow being with all the same rights and many of the same basic desires that we all have. But I have recently come to realize that this understanding of love and the universe is not a common one. Sure we hear it all the time in religious doctrine and most of us know in our heads at least that that's how things should be done, but when it comes to our lives, so few of us really understand the practical application of the concept, in thought and deed.
The frustration I feel comes from an expectancy, and a want, that has not been fulfilled. But its like fighting against reality - you can either deny it and make yourself miserable with your delusions, or you can recognize and assess the problem and face it as it really is. Neither of them love me to the extent I had hoped, thats out there, its the way it is. What can I do in light of this information? Continue to be open, to approach them gently, in the hopes of helping them to expand their ability for love and compassion and thereby the quality of their lives. For it is by the expression of compassion that we find the most deep and enduring happiness. But that is an ultimate goal. Before they can achieve that higher level of spiritual knowledge, I can simply fulfill the role of a caring person, someone who is there to listen, and enhance the feeling of connection we all desire.
Apparently this higher spiritual realization of love is quite a significant thing to learn and not nearly as popular as I had thought it was. That probably comes from a fallacy in my own thinking. We all see the world as we are, not as it is, and so I have used my thinking to attempt to understandn other people's thinking. When I bring my knowledge of love as unwavering and steadfast into my analysis of people's behaviour, then of course their actions are bewildering. But almost all of us would consider this love an almost miraculous thing, something they only talk about in fairy tales, but for me it is an everyday reality. I don't know why I was born with such an immense compassion. I've been like this since I can remember. But with this in mind it would make sense that Rachel and Amanda would doubt my good intentions, for the love that I have for them is something they've never experienced and probably something they don't beleive exists, because it doesn't exist within them. We tend to fear and doubt anything that we don't fully comprehend, its just human nature. In order for us to understand anything we have to understand it within ourselves, and we have to strive for that understanding, but to understand something from without - especially when we don't want to, is pretty impossible. All of our understandings of these complex notions come from a deep knowledge of the self, because it is from the self that we interact with the universe.
Rather than feel proud or accomplished for attaining this understanding of love that is so uncommon, I feel an immense obligation to bring it to others. We conduct ourselves in so much fear and anger and then we wonder why we feel so terrible. These behaviours are caustic to the soul, and yet to most of us, they are a matter of day to day existence. As a people we are slowly poisoning ourselves. We don't make reaching out and helping people a part of our lives, and then wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected. There seems to be an attitude that compassion is a matter of sacrifice, that you have to give something up in order to be compassionate. I would say that compassion is a matter of receiving, good health, a better attitude, a happier existence. The benefits we get from living a compassionate life are worth far more than what most of us put into it. Like anything in life that you build to incredible results, cultivating love and compassion in your being brings elation and a sense of purpose. When we hold onto bitterness and anger, it eats away at our very souls.
Error is the way of our existence, and all those who suffer - I hope that their suffering is not in vain, that someday they will reflect on the results of their decisions regarding themselves and see the pain their thought and actions cause and turn from those destructive ways. Maybe thats what it means when He said, Repent and sin no more. To sin literally means to miss the mark. Most of us want happiness, we just spend the entirety of our lives looking for it in the wrong places, chasing it in phantoms. The way to build a happy soul is to cultivate those attitudes that lift you up, and reduce those that bring you down. The construction of happiness comes from within, not from without, and that may be where most people miss the mark.
Above all we are all human, with the same desire for happiness, and the same rights across the world. Beyond that there is an affinity for all things. When we see each other as the same, no one better or different from the other in the most important ways, then we take a big step towards realizing our own compassion - placing ourselves as equals. When we see ourselves as the same we no longer judge, and we begin to approach things as though we ourselves were shouldering their burden. This is closer to the truth, for we are all the same being bearing the same burden of suffering, and by eliminating any suffering in the world we help in some way to reduce the suffering of all.
All there is for me to do is to actively engage myself in empathy with this world. In so doing I hope that someday Amanda and Rachel will realize some of the love that I have for them, even if they may not comprehend its entirety. We all want to be connected, to feel a part of the whole, and to cut anyone off, especially if they are suffering, seems cruel to me. Those most caustic elements of society are those most in need of compassion, for it is their separation that causes the pain which drives their destructive habits. Not all of us strive for betterment, most of us just try to get by. I believe things can be better, and I believe that I have a role to play in that. We are all given gifts to use them, and it seems that mine are destined to help people. That is what I will strive for.

Sharing Love

Sometimes our expressions work out well. We get to show those we love how much we care about them, and they recieve it, and it is a wonderful joyous moment. It is for these moments that many of us live. Moments of profound benevolence, where there is no threat, no doubt, where we fully give ourselves over to that ultimate emotion - love. Love gives us the greatest joy we will ever feel in our lives, and in that moment we know that life truly is a most wonderful thing. It is the lack of love that leads us to abhor our own existence. In the absence of love, fear takes over, and by their nature these negative emotions are caustic to our souls and well being. The joy of love is the divine connection with all things. It is when we tap into our innate connection and throw all of our beliefs about separation to the side, that we come into alignment with our true place in the universe.
I would like to give this love to those who are important to me, but sometimes they cannot be so open. We all have times where we have clung to the fears that produce our own miseries, it is the nature of people, and we all spend our entire lives learning to overcome them. At times like these the love cannot flow freely between us, but I can still express my love for them by understanding their lot. We all exist in a state of error, and I have known the temptation of fear that results in a most profound suffering. Many times I have succumbed to beliefs that we all succumb to day by day, and I have to remind myself that even with this knowledge that I have, I STILL fall into those ways inspired by fear and separation. In that sense I would consider it my duty to extend to others the forgiveness that I extend to myself. For where sin abounded, grace abounded more. In these times of division, the only love I can extend to those who cut themselves off, is the acceptance and understanding of how they are feeling, what they are going through. No one does wrong intentionally, for in each case we all believe that somehow those wrongs are the right thing, that they will reduce the suffering present in their world. I do not have compassion or allowance for them as a higher being, but as one who shares in their fate, as we all share in each others fate. We all strive against the belief in our own separation and individuality and the hurt that it brings. Some of us are a little better at it, it is a skill that we develop like anything else, and if we think of it as a skill, then we can appreciate those who are still learning. Like a violinist tutors his pupil, those of us who have learned about life and love, and the importance of realizing them in our daily lives can teach others how to live awakened to the nature of separation and unity. Based on the measure of existence, we are all equal, even though the skills for living that we learn may vary, by value we are all one. This perspective helps us to live together as one, and reduces the judgement that comes from thinking we are better than someone in some aspect. This impulse also com from a belief in our own inferiority, and us attempting to patch up that inferiority with external accomplishments. We don't know who we are, as a species, and as a result we look for ways to bolster our image, to prove to ourselves our own worth, in many aspects of our external and even internal realities. Whether we pursue skills, or wealth, or knowledge, a profound ignorance of our inner selves has caused us to latch onto these things in an attempt to complete what is already complete. The belief in incompleteness is an illusion that leads us to seek many things out of desperation rather than want.
I cannot always share love with those as I desire to, but perhaps I can show them the greatest measure of love they will allow, forgiveness. I can respect their hurt and the confusion they have about where to go, which direction to take, which action to pursue. We have all felt lost according to our own wisdom, and in those times it helps to take comfort in faith - which is the belief that we can do things right eventually. Throughout the entirety of our lives, no matter what happens, as long as we continually strive for the best we have done well. There are dark times when we loose faith, when we don't believe in ourselves or others, when we are afraid to hope. Eventually we will come out of those times with new lessons about our lives and ourselves, and hopefully a greater confidence in our faith. As difficult as these darak times are, on the other side we can be confident that we will come out stronger, and the better for it. Believe and it will be so.

Soul

There's a hole in my soul. Thats a common line I think we've all stated in our lives, or something to that effect. The sense of incompleteness we all feel in life comes from an unfamiliarity with our souls. We don't have any idea of what it means to exist, and in that way we are cut off from the most essential part of our existence. Its easier to believe what we percieve with our senses, and it is this unfaltering belief in their absoluteness that dupes us into the greatest deception we will face in our entire lives. We often concern ourselves with being lied to, being decieved in the matters of our lives, all the time skipping over the greatest deception - our own perception. What we see, what we think, even what we feel, is so often based on something that is not real, the physical world before us. At the core of all things is a substance, an underlying energy that we all pick up to some extent, regardless of our own inclinations. Some of us tune in less, some more, but most of us do not actively focus on the energy that flows through and unites all of existence. In this sense it is not that we are cut off from our creator, we are not marooned on this wasteland of material reality, we have simply created a belief in the world that is greater than the belief in ourselves or the great spirit of the universe. It is only through knowing ourselves, the foremost and greatest connection we have with this energy, that we can begin to understand and experience the peace of all things. From the inanimate, to the living, to the air that surrounds us, energy flows through all, and it is through an intimate understanding with the very nature of our being, right here, right now, that we can gain a glimpse of that great unifying theme. Strip away thought, emotion and any assumptions about what this life is about. Just be, without searching for the life around you, and it will find you. It is a sense that comes when the noise has cleared from daily life. In the absense of everything else, the ego, agenda, separation, all that is left is the fundamental property that furthers our existence. From this base all things about us are built, and on it they subsist. By letting aside all that we have learned we can reconnect with the very essence of what it means to be. All these states of mind, all this ego, is not natural to us but we impose it upon our existence. Much of what we know to be us has been superimposed and because we believe them to be defining factors in who we are the contradiction creates an innate dissatisfaction. It is this contradiction between substance and belief, expecting the superficial to bring satisfaction to the heart when it would make more sense to seek satisfaction in the heart of our beings rather than in the superficiality of worldy experience. There is no external satisfaction for an internal lacking. Through the pursuit of character, relationships, skills, mental aptitude, materialism, or addiction, humanity attempts to satisfy that inner longing with patches that do nothing to heal the wound, but cover it up for a time until even that pleasure looses its zest. The rush of external gratification is like a drug, immensely pleasurable for a time after which it all evaporates leaving you even more aware of the hunger than you were before. The satisfaction that comes from an awareness of yourself and your place in the universe is a peace that is built upon. Day after day, you actively seek out this reconnection with the one of all things and the reward that you receive from it is proportional to your efforts, as it is with all worthwhile things we achieve in life. Happiness, joy, contentment, peace, are all cultivated within the soul, as a garden, tended and cared for through all seasons. Without regular attention to these things we may find ourselves disconnected, feeling a separation from something that we do not know. I have found meditation and yoga, preferably in the midst of nature, that gives me the greatest sense of connection. Any time I feel a disturbance or any uncertainty in life I recall myself to that place of being and realize that of all these things I impose on myself, being holds superiority and in that I find contentedness. In the sense of self there is the reassurance of unassailability, for no matter what happens in this world, as long as you live you will have that innate sense of existence, which comes above all other pleasures in this world.

Disposition

People don't like being used, or being thought of as anything less than what they truly are, on the positive side. Thinking of someone as being less than what they are on the positive side is called using, thinking of someone as less than they are on the negative side is called prejudice. You're a resource. Forget all the other things you can do, your thoughts, feelings, the way you look at the world, all that matters to them is this one thing you can do for them. If you're an actor, you entertain, if you're a woman, you give sex, if you're a mentor, you provide experience, there are many things that we all can give to the world, and being valued for only one of them, rather than having someone take the time to explore and value us as human beings can lead us to question our worth. Some people would say it makes them feel pretty shitty, or used. You could say that in a way it all comes back to self-esteem, or a knowledge of your own completeness and place in the universe. People who are users see the solution to their problems as being outside themselves. Whores seek it in sex and the attention it brings. They need someone else's validation to replace their own, but that validation will only do for so long, because it doesn't come from the right place, inside. The only way they'll feel their own worth is if they discover that it comes from the inside. The same with addicts. They find a temporary happiness in drugs, but even when its full on, they can't affect that underlying current that tells them they aren't happy. Maybe it takes the form of knowing that the happiness will end, but I think its because you may be able to fool your body, but you can't fool your soul. They recognize the source of happiness as being outside of themselves because that outside source is the closest thing to true happiness that they've ever known. Its the best handle they have on the subject. That happiness will never satisfy either because it doesn't come from the place where all of our happiness comes from - within. Happiness can be found in the moment, in every underappreciated aspect of our wonderful lives. The universe is full of beauty, wonder, and imagination, but too often we're spending our energy on things that aren't there, so that we forget the beauty right in front of us. You could call it gratitude, but before gratitude you have to have the attention to be grateful for it. There's a process in psychology called deletion. Its the phenomenon by which we ignore most of the information that is given to us. Give it a try, close your eyes and remember as many things about the room you're in as possible. Even if its your bedroom there's a good likelihood many of the things in your room you can't recall. We live our lives like this, as in a dream, so much of it slipping by our attention. Life is a dream that we all can wake up from, to live in the light of day, awakened, and perceiving in greater measure the beauty of life. If we were to willfully endure the discomfort of our own disillusionment, then we would find that the life we live has all the magic we ever wanted. So often I've lived in fantasy worlds, thought that somewhere else things could be better, but it is not those other places that are so wonderful, rather it is the attention that we give them. Believing them to be far off, unreachable, adds to the perverse appeal of them. Humans wanting what they can't have has its own masochistic pleasure. I think it can be chaulked up to many years of social programming. This is how it is and so it must be so. So much of enlightenment I have found consists of stripping away the lessons we have been taught when our heads were soft. We can still pick up so many wrong lessons using deviant forms of analysis, continuing to lead us off a path that we would have chosen had we possessed a little more understanding. We are taught by advertising and those around us that happiness is found from without, and so we spend our lives seeking it from without. It could also be due to the strength of our sensory input in relation to the strength of our inner input. We believe the world more strongly because we are hardwired into it, and spend our whole lives reeling from the shock. We are spiritual beings, and this physical form can be distracting, often times distracting us for our entire lives - lives spent in a dream. A dream that we long to wake up from. I feel like I'm in a dream remembering what it was like to be awake. The more I see of the awakened world the harder it becomes to believe the dream. It seems less and less immersive as I become less convinced of its reality. Wanting is a state we choose. We decide to place our attention on the irrelevant, and in so doing produce our unhappiness. Once we achieve the object of our aspiration, we find that that one thing had not made us happy. Oh it may for a time, as long as we devote attention to it, but this practice lasts as long as we choose for it to, and we haven't yet developed the focus that long-term gratitude requires. It is this focus of attention that makes us happy, not the object. We could focus on anything, a rock, a blade of grass, and still find the same wonder and joy in it, for the joy is not to be found in the object, but is a reflection of some greater profound experience that we don't understand, but nonetheless powerfully feel. It goes beyond the self, beyond the object, to the whole. When you see the rock, and begin to simply give attention to its existence, beyond the was and the will be, to the is, then you find that there is not so much the rock and yourself, all things simply are. It is in that profound universal connection that you find a transcendance of the concept of separation. You are not a part of the universe, but you and the universe are one. Separation is an illusion, where do we distinguish when one form flawlessly flows into another? The separation in human terms is space, or air. When air fills the gap between the two we see them as separate, without understanding the unifying nature of it all. Energy flows seamlessly. It may have variance in concentration, but it is everywhere. Happiness comes for me from recognizing this unity. When all things are whole, then fear is completely eliminated from our experience in the world. Unlearning all that we have come to understand of the world gives us the most profound experiences, and I can spend the rest of my life realizing this concept. Possessing the knowledge and realizing it are two rather different things. Separation causes us to believe in our own distinct existence. Then fear is erected to protect the sovreignty of this existence. And so in madness we attack each other, almost in an attempt to enforce the separation that is itself responsible for our pain in the first place. Its a self perpetuating cycle that spirals us to madness, a madness that grows until we break out of the cycle and realize that separation, fear, and anger all only lead to more and more of each. We call it love, I might call it unification, a belief that we are all whole, joined in ways we may not understand with our minds, but we know with our spirits. Love is what can break the cycle, fight fire with water, evil with good, fear with love. Those who hate, who are angry, need least of all another reason to be afraid, which punishment does excellently. They need to be comforted, to be shown that they don't need to fear. Sometimes that hand must be firm, but its interest should always be to reduce fear, and to increase an understanding of the unity of life. The instruction of such a profound notion is not easy. I've only begun to understand it because I've been earnestly pursuing the concept for years. All this time and with all this effort I still have a great deal to go, how then does one go about teaching one set in his path, who despises instruction? I will always be both a student and a teacher, more of a student I'd say. Teaching requires far greater mastery than I possess, but before I can teach I should understand what it is I'm to be teaching. Connection may falter, but we are all creatures in the same stream of life. I'm watching a painted veil, which speaks to my experience - I can relate. We all strive for this connection, most of us looking for it in the wrong places. Life is a process of improving our sense of it, growing in love and an understanding of our place in the universe. I love the discussion they have about normalacy. We all expect so much of each other and ourselves but we're all simply ordinary. Perfectly imperfect, beautiful and plain. Expectation is another form of separation, an assumed difference. We believe them to be better than us, or expect them to be something other than what they are, but we all simply are - without expectation, without assumption. Society is full of class, status, wealth, relationship, all the illusions we create to see ourselves as better than one another to prop up our unstable self image. But we are all on the same level. Myself and the bum who is drunk in the gutter, we are no different. We are simply together, believing in our separation. My belief in unity continues to grow. All we want is that look of affection, that smile that tells us we are accepted. The only thing that creates our separation, the only thing that breaks one element of life from all the rest of the elements is when that element shuts itself off. Like a light bulb cut off from the grid, it languishes in darkness, pining for the light it has refused. We need to feel that energy, but most of us have resistors in place. These resistors we believe will protect us, but all they do is serve to limit the ties we have to life and love. There is no death for those who devote themselves to life. We have come to equate death not with the extinguishing of life, but with the exchanging of energy. It has not gone, simply left the body. The body will in turn continue to provide life, and the soul goes on. I would love to provide comfort and love for those who suffer, even as others may not see it as suffering, but all those who bring suffering only do so because they suffer themselves. We are focused so much on our fear that we don't notice the pain they endure, and in our focus they are neglected, and continue on in their way. Worse, that fear often causes us to lash out at that person to increase their suffering. It will only be through the strength of their character that such a method will work, for the victim of such vengeance/punishment will have to convince themselves to another path through the burden of their suffering. I would rather direct them to another path by showing them another path, not increasing their suffering so much that in desperation they strike out on another path in the darkness, hoping it is the right one. Finding a way to show them another path may require more ingenuity and effort but as a method I would say its more successful, if more difficult. The only question is how? Suffering is usually what provides the leverage for us to want to change. It is THE implement of our instruction throughout our entire lives, because it is not the things which trigger the pain that are the cause of it, but the false beliefs that we hold. Most of us attempt to change the triggers, while the beliefs still fester within us, undisturbed, waiting to be triggered again. And when it happens again, we will bury the next trigger as well. Looking to the external for a solution that exists internally will never grant us the peace we desire. This requires much thought, the nature of instruction as it pertains to showing people the way of unity and exposing the pain of a belief in separation. With reflection, I can learn how to teach others these things. So I will reflect, and practice, expanding my focus and discipline so that I may manifest these teachings in every moment of my life. As I grow my world will change, and those around me will be affected by it. It seems that even in instruction, the focus remains on the self. That may be the insight I require. I cannot instruct others, only myself, and others will follow as a consequence, but first and foremost, it will have to be me. Lead by example. I will only know that these principles can bring peace and happiness when they bring me peace and happiness in my own life. So that is my mission, that is my current purpose. Enhance my discipline and focus, working towards experiencing every moment of everyday in a profound state of undivided attention. I have been living in a dream, always in other places, at other times, wanting what I do not have in the expectation that it will bring me happiness, but I know better. I can only find happiness in attention, in my recognition of the unity of the whole. I aim to explore that whole, to experience that unity in deeper and deeper ways. There is much to be said for learning in this life, which gives me purpose and meaning.

Living Compassionately

I'm trying to be a little more connected to the people around me. While many of my dreams are a ways off, and there is little I can do to realize them at present, my relationships are something that will always be right now. I can't really plan relationships, they have a tendency to just pop into our lives. One day you aren't there, then the next 'BAM' and my life is changed forever. Funny how people can do that isn't it? I knew when I met Rachel I was in for something. What I didn't know, has it been difficult? Unbelievably, but nonetheless it has made me a better person, and tested me in ways that I hadn't been tested before. Of course, Rachel isn't over, she's just on haitus. We only have two states in a relationship, one of building up and one of tearing down, but they are never gone. They contribute to who we are or they are a burden to our existence. I will continue to strive for our relationship to be better, as I will continue to strive for all of my relationships to be better. By better I mean a win/win situation, where all parties benefit from the interaction. Its not so much about an outcome as much as it is a dedication to a way of living. Its the process that counts. Many of my relationships will falter, but that doesn't mean I don't continue to strive for their betterment. I can only control my ability to communicate genuine empathy and concern, how people react to it is their responsibility, and I will only continue on in my path. Too often we allow circumstances to dictate our actions without asking the question, Is this who I want to be, Is this what I want to do? Even if someone treats us badly, with malice in their heart, it is not for us to be malicious in turn. In doing so we become the very thing that causes us so much pain, and then what are we to the world? A force for pain and suffering? I don't think anyone would want that to be their legacy. We choose who we want to be, regardless of the circumstances that confront us. You may be hurt, but that isn't an excuse for poor behaviour, its a challenge to be a better person in the face of adversity. Nothing worthwhile has ever been attained without first undergoing a measure of adversity. It is a truth that we can see demonstrated each and every day of our lives, in many ways, but we still overlook it in so many of our interactions. Do we feel the urge to push people away, to treat them harshly, even to abuse them? Sure we do, but those are only human urges, and they don't reflect any kind of higher awareness, but bring us back down to our basest levels. Following that kind of living, we can expect the kind of life that results. There is an inherent human urge to strive, to be something better, to gain an understanding of place and purpose. Those things can never be achieved while we live simply, according to our primal instincts, by the ineffective maxims of instinctive behaviour. We can only fulfill our higher calling by aspiring to a higher form of living, a higher form of being. In the pursuit of this higher existence we will begin to see the flaws in our previous ways of thinking. Its not readily apparent what you're doing wrong while you're stuck in the mud of it. You've got to get to higher ground and get a better perspective to get a better idea of how it all fits together. I've come very far, but if I want to show others how I got here, I have to give the process some consideration. Once you achieve a certain place of achievement, you tend to forget how you got there. Its so easy to forget all the work and suffering that went to getting somewhere when you're already there. All you see is the success, I suppose they call that optimism. I want to connect with people immediately. As soon as the interaction begins, I want to communicate that I care, and that I can help. In whatever capacity I interact with people, I want to let them know that I can be a force not only for friendship, but for personal betterment, someone they can look up to, someone they can lean on. I've been there many times for those in dire emotional need, its a favorite place of mine to be. Nothing makes you feel connected to another human being like adversity. It truly is a tragedy when people leave you just when things get their hardest. Not because you have to go through it alone - we all have to do that from time to time. Its because they throw away a golden opportunity to grow very close to someone. Most of my learning I've done on my own, its very rarely that two people get to undertake a great struggle and together come out changed people. Its almost as if this great changing of your life has caused the two of you to take on each others life to the extent that you were tested together, and each of you has had a direct hand in the creation of each other's being. Thats a very profound thing when you think about it. Each day we are changing, remaking ourselves anew. Some more than others. I'm a locomotive of change, every day in as many ways as I can. But when someone else is with you, and the two of you are orchestrating change, you become somehow involved in each others formation, and the two of you are tied to the extent that you've created new material in each other's minds and being. When you see people as spheres of energy and light, then its like when two spheres get so close that their energy mixes, alters and blurs, like paints on a canvas, and the very substance of your beings mixes and merges. I have a capacity for change and suffering that is very uncommon. I've never met anyone in my age group who has gone through such radical personal transformation. But this uniqueness must serve a purpose, and I will find a way to use the things I have learned, the progress I have made, to benefit others in the way it has benefited me. No gift is given to people without an intention to use it. I almost enjoy suffering. Of course it is disturbing and uncomfortable, unsettling even to the core of my being, but I chase after it, I relish in the pain with the understanding that with pain comes learning and development. With the knowledge that success comes with adversity, I have come to see adversity as a blessing, an opportunity for me to build myself up and in so doing the mechanism to help others and liberate them from a measure of error that I have already incurred and learned from - thereby saving them the mistake so that they can move on to the next level of learning in an accelerated manner. Compassion, my need to help others, should really be the driving force in all of my pursuits, and to that end I am giving a little more attention to the relationships in my life, and the people who I occupy myself with, so that I can learn to work miracles in the lives of those surrounding me. After all if I can't help those immediately surrounding myself, how do I expect to successfully help anyone else? The best place to practice my delivery of this knowledge is right here, with the people I know and love.

Love and loss

My love is always there, and while at some times I feel it stronger than others, though fear may mask it at times and bring me pain in doing so, it waits patiently until you come around. I push because I have been where you are. I have pushed people away because I was afraid of the hurt. It didn't make sense to indulge in pain, pain is bad pleasure is good, its a simple equation to deduce the quality of your relationships. But in the absence of fear, love is all that remains. Once we stop being afraid all we want to do is help, and we are confident that we can because we do not fear failure. I want to help, I don't know what will come of it, but nothing remains unaffected where people devote their focus and energy. I have been there, and I want to be forgiven for the times that I've hurt in the interest of self preservation. It is the only reason that people ever hurt each other, and while sometimes it seems more justified than others, it is all the same cause, only in varying degrees of severity. I have the very flaws, those same fears that have caused me to shun those who are prone to pain, not only to myself, but to others and themselves as well. But someone must care for the lepers. When we realize that the flaws that we blame other people for we possess as well, then it doesn't become a game of you and I, but of us. It is we, the people and all that exists that flow with the same energy, the same life of the universe. When we fear, when we imagine ourselves to be cut off from that energy, we create a separation, and we feel a break in the flow. Because we believe ourselves to be separate it becomes so, and the pain that we feel we attribute to the thing that influenced the break, when it was really our decision all along to obey that fear. Even if it was inspired by an outside event, the control was ours all along. The maelstrom may swarm about us, but we are always in our own keeping. When we believe that we are separate, then we unknowingly cut ourselves off from the flow of the universe, and we truly do become separate, and it is from that artificial separation that we have created (man has a long history of creating the artificial) that we feel our pain. But once again the simple and illogical process of association leads us to believe that it is something outside of us that causes this pain, when it is really ourselves, our own beliefs. All it takes is to realize the falsity of these beliefs to cut through the fog of illusion. Once we deny the fear, and see it as a lie, then love prevails in us. Love is connection with the all of existence, and ever flowing life. Sounds alot like life everlasting doesn't it? Maybe thats what they meant, although I wouldn't dare say for certain, my humble consciousness has only begun to explore ourselves as creatures. Love means recognizing the innate life of all that exists, and nurturing it, as a gardener does his garden, each day, with the nourishment of attention. All that requires in our life is to give those things around us the attention they need, and they will flower and grow into incredible things. All things are beautiful, they only wait for us to open our eyes to appreciate them.
Fear is a peculiar thing in the human mind. What it could be described as, where it comes from, and why people persist in believing in it are all questions that merit immense consideration. It could be that what we are told by our senses and by the world is so much easier to believe than what we know in our hearts. That little voice inside of requires stillness to hear, and most of the times our lives are filled with so much noise that it makes it hard to hear. I think that the reason our lives are so distraught is that we spend so much of it blocking out that little voice that tells us things are better. Again fear prevents us from pursuing that voice. Is it the fear of failure? fear of the unknown? For each its different I suppose. Maybe its that we're afraid to think that what our inner self tells us might be right. I know thats what I think. I'm always trying to justify some measure of violence in my mind, or self defense as they call it. Ghandi said it isn't so much about submitting as much as it is about having the courage to pursue your course through the pain inflicted by others onto you. That pain is only a reflection of the pain they feel inside, which they spread to you because it boils within them to the point of spilling over. If anything these people need it isn't more pain, its the temperature turned down. They have to be given a little love, to be shown that they don't need to be afraid. There IS so much pain in the world, so many people using their fear to hurt others and justifying it because they are not only afraid of being hurt but also of being wrong. At every turn fear has a way to turn us into something we aren't, constantly diverting us from our true path with blows that skew our sense of direction. We are constantly using every reasoning we have to keep that fear in place because we're afraid of what would happen if we didn't. Its an eternally perpetuating cycle. We do it because we're trying to read the noise, the static that the world is always blasting at us, but all we have to pay attention to is that little voice. It will tell us where to go, it knows. Maybe it is the voice of all things. There are many causes I am willing to die for, but none that I am willing to kill for. - Ghandi. I do not know what will happen to my earthly existence if I do not use fear to protect myself, but I do know what will happen to my spirit. We all die eventually, but our spirit will live on. Why would we taint the permanent for the sake of the temporary? I can be at peace with enduring suffering while allowing love to thrive in my heart, but I am not sure that I am willing to allow the spirit of fear and suffering to possess me for even a moment, knowing what I would become. I am only a single implement in this world, and while I want to help those who are close to my heart, the entire universe is also a teacher. While I cannot reach them, eventually experience in their relationships will show them that they reap what they sow. Whatever we bring to the world the world brings back to us. Hopefully they will learn sooner than later. But then again hopefully will the world. Life is all of our teacher, and we are here to learn. If we want the world to be a loving caring place then we must give that love and care at every opportunity, and be wary of those opportunities, which present themselves at every moment. Even a moment of violence will have that violence explode into the world in ways that we aren't prepared to handle. We can never know the full effect of our actions on the world, and I would rather give out something that I want brought back to me. I guess thats what it means, Do unto others...
I can strive only for myself. The world is out of my keeping. I will continue to express the voice of love, patient and gently urging those back to the fold who have strayed because they were afraid of something. Fear can be very convincing sometimes, but itis the only thing that keeps us separated. The illusion of separation is all that keeps us apart, and the more I realize this, the more wonderful insights and understandings come my way. I hope to show other's the beauty of allowing yourself to express yourself in the most giving manner, but it isn't exactly something that can be communicated in words. You have to feel it for yourself. Once you feel the twinge of that security, that benevolence without limit, you're hooked. You know what you want that for the rest of your life, for everyone, as long as you can give to it, because love will give to you. Being in harmony, and with the flow of life, rather than the flow of death, opens the universe to you, but death is the end of things. Love is something that can't be forced, and from time to time I find myself frustrated when people are so willing to visit pain on each other, but then I remember that it is only a reflection of their inner pain, a pain that we have all felt. When I am in that way, I wish for guidance and understanding, and that those who suffer would bring it to my attention. In that way I want those things in times of error, I can give those things to those who are in error in my life. I can show them a better way, not just the wrongs, so that they are encouraged to a path that creates healing, that is driven to good, and not the division that hurts us all. We all possess the same infirmities, only in variance of degree, but I have felt the fear that promotes separation and violence and I know how posessive it can be, how quickly you can be driven to madness. We all want the same thing, we all want peace, we all want harmony and joy. Most times we just go about it in an inefficient manner, and all that is required is to stop, reflect, and try again. With confidence and courage we can improve in our pursuit of these things, growing their presence in our lives as time goes on. We all need love to sustain us, and when we don't have it we languish in the outer darkness. It is not some pain inflicted on us by an outside element, as we so often believe it to be, but it is inflicted upon ourselves. When we cut ourselves off, then we become our own worst enemies, all the while blaming something else for the pain we feel. Until we realize the source of the problem the solution will eternally elude us. And the source is ourselves. It is our own misconceptions regarding separation that bring us into our own pain. In realizing our place within the whole we become convinced of our own worth, and subsequently have no fear because ourselves we cannot be threatened. The body may die, and fear may threaten, but the essence of our being is unassailable. So much of what contrives our dysfunction comes from us being out of touch with our place in all things, an unawareness of what we are. This unknowing of what we are can lead to endless crisis regarding our destination because we have no knowledge of our origin. You have to know where you are before you can know how to get where you're going. Realizing my place in the universe as an invaluable part of all things, possessing in some measure my own divinity, has given me a confidence regarding my own self worth, which helps me to operate without fear. Of course I am only on the journey, but the realization of such knowledge becomes easier once you have it. Most people are so hopelessly immersed in an idea of their own individuality, holding it as their prime value, without seeing how much of their essence such boxes limit them to. The power presented to a being separated from the whole is far more limited than one who recognizes his place in the whole, and because of that has the energy of all things at his disposal, to some extent. There is much for me to learn here, it can be quite overwhelming.
There is still fear within me from time to time, when the stimuli of the world divert my focus, I once again find myself returning to that separation that brings me pain. Realizing peace, harmony, and connectivity is an exercise in discipline - maintaining an awareness of your connectedness to all things in spite of all the urges to deviate. Many things can happen that bring up old associations, old convictions, and old ways of thinking that my ever changing awareness outgrows with every expansion of my understanding. It has been said that whatever we do not pay for in attention, we pay for in pain. Giving attention to the universe, the simple effort of recognizing its connection to us can make all the difference in the world. How many of us feel appreciated just by being acknowledged? It is the connection that we call love that feeds us, while the separation that we call fear starves us of the very life that sustains our being. I will be a force that feeds the universe, bringing light and nourishment to all I encounter. I will deviate from time to time, but with forgiveness and a recognition that we are all on our way to personal betterment, I will bring myself forward to a new realization. All failure leads to success. I would say that there is no failure, but rather, All things work together for good to them that love God. A valuable lesson if we were ever to hold one dearly in times of trouble and utmostly comforting. There is no path I can turn down that will lead to my destruction, for I am safe in the security of my being.